Doubts
by secretwishes527
Summary: Maybe life with Sephiroth isn't what Cloud has always wanted.


The tub was filled to the brim in pleasantly hot water, laced with a hint of vanilla bath beads. Candles lit the room, flirting with the dark with their flickering flames. The faint scent of incense seemed to weave through the room peacefully, and the slightly clouded mirror offered an atmosphere of complete and relaxing isolation.

Cloud bathed in all of this, letting the water ease away his physical aches. And yet despite that everything was geared to relax him, his mind still turned in turmoil.

Cloud lifted his arm and watched the water run off in rivulets. He wished his troubles would slip away as easily.

But it was not to be, and no matter what he did, his mind turned to the thoughts that had been plaguing him all week.

It all started with lunch. He waited in the front of the barracks on Monday at the designated time, pressed against the gate to avoid being carried away by the crowds of hungry students on their way to the cafeteria. He waited until the lunch hour was over and finished the rest of the day hungry. Sephiroth had never showed up.

Cloud knew it wasn't just that Sephiroth hadn't showed up. He knew the General was busy and sometimes forgot things. Cloud really didn't have a problem with that, because his lover always apologized sincerely and Cloud could tell Sephiroth wished he hadn't forgotten.

But this last mistake had him thinking. Sephiroth and him had been dating for almost five years now. They had met each other at the start of his freshman year, and here they were now, nearing the end of Cloud's senior year. He had passed the tests, and next year Cloud would finally become a SOLDIER.

Cloud knew he loved Sephiroth, and he knew that Sephiroth loved him. He had begun to think about the future. Wouldn't it be so perfect to live the rest of his life with the only man he had ever loved? It would…and yet…

Cloud hadn't had any other experiences in love. He hadn't had first kisses with other people. He never had the chance to discover what he liked about different people.

A tendril of pride wormed its way in and Cloud thought, I'm a sexy young man, why shouldn't I have the chance to seduce others and live a little promiscuously?

Sephiroth had so many mistakes. He frequently forgot things, such as their dates and even sometimes their anniversaries. He was often busy, his work taking him to the other side of the world for weeks at a time. And even when he was in the same city, he was always swamped with paper work, conferences and training.

Cloud knew all of these things. He knew that Sephiroth was the General! But he just didn't know if he could handle being with the General forever. Ten years from now, would Cloud still be so forgiving after being stood up again? Would he be able to wipe his tears away when Sephiroth forgot their fiftieth anniversary?

What if there was someone out there who he was destined to be with, and he would never get the chance?

How would he break up with Sephiroth though? He knew he loved the man, but love didn't simply erase all of his worries. Would Sephiroth be okay without Cloud?

Would Cloud be okay without Sephiroth?

Cloud was surprised to find tears running down his cheeks. He brought a hand up to his mouth and stifled his sobs, suddenly overwhelmed with everything he had been feeling. He couldn't deal with this anymore.

Dunking his head under the water, Cloud let his tears wash away in the vanilla scents. He unplugged the bath, rinsed off, and threw on a clean t-shirt and sweat pants.

Steam followed him out of the bathroom, as if trying to hold him back from what he was about to do—from making the possibly biggest mistake of his life.

Cloud padded into the room Sephiroth had turned into his home office. The General was standing behind his desk, bent over a pile of what looked like maps.

Cloud cleared his throat, ready to launch his words and flee. He knew he would change his mind if he stayed.

Sephiroth looked up at the noise, silver hair spilling over his shoulders and some over his eyes. He batted his bangs away with impatient fingers, green eyes fixing on Cloud's blue ones, and smiled his usual gentle smile at Cloud.

"I..." Cloud began. "We need to talk."

Sephiroth's smile slowly faded when it wasn't met with Cloud's responding smile. He straightened and slowly approached the blonde.

Cloud's breathing quickened and for some reason, his fight or flight instincts kicked in. He felt trapped.

In that instant, he knew why. He could either say what he came to say, or…

Sephiroth wasn't the best lover, it was true. He constantly disappointed Cloud and accidentally caused him heartache.

But Cloud loved him. He loved waiting for Sephiroth at the airport, finally getting to hear the real thing after hearing it over the phone and reading it in letter for weeks. He loved Sephiroth's voice. He loved when Sephiroth surprised him with a post-anniversary home cooked meal, slightly burned because for all his skill the man couldn't combine fire and food. He loved that Sephiroth truly cared.

Cloud didn't need firsts. He could care less about more firsts with different people. No matter how many kisses he had from other people, none of them could even compare to every kiss with this man. And he loved seducing this particular man, enjoyed every second of watching those green eyes become slits of intense glowing light and laughing when Sephiroth couldn't take it anymore and simply tackled Cloud into the bed.

Even though Sephiroth often disappointed Cloud, he was always Cloud's greatest pride.

Cloud knew, he loved Sephiroth. He was Sephiroth's forever.

"Cloud?" Sephiroth said softly, gently brushing a hand through Cloud's hair. "What do you want to talk about?"

Cloud looked up into confused, agitated green eyes and couldn't help but smile. "Nothing, Seph, nothing. Everything is perfect."


End file.
